


If we were young again

by FlowerFloraFlores12345



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Childhood Memories, Eventual Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Non-Explicit, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 18:34:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21081173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlowerFloraFlores12345/pseuds/FlowerFloraFlores12345
Summary: Richie is suffocating slowly, for his once great love is burning stronger than ever but it no longer has a subject of worship. Some happy childhood memories between Richie and Eddie, showing what could have been. A depiction of the tragic reality. A happy ever after eventually.





	If we were young again

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is me coping with the ending of It chapter 2, very self indulgent. It's quite sad, be warned, but it's meant as a feelgood as well. I was highly inspired my Mitsky's "two slow dancers", so go listen to that while you read!

2016

Richie hadn’t been able to breath for three days. He was trapped in a solid bubble five feet under the great deep blue, his ears ringing and his breath stuck in his chest.   
And his chest ached. Oh how it ached.  
No one seemed to notice any of this.

But they tried their best.

Beverly had sat with him in the night, talking about happenings and listening to his self-defending jokes, meant to protect him and reflect all forms of pity. But he could only come up with so many at the moment, and after a while, the jokes ran out. She had watched him drown his mourning sorrowful heart in wine. Praying to feel something and nothing both at once. She had drunk a single glass too, with him as if to show solidarity and sympathy.  
She didn’t understand.

Mike had taken him on a ride in his truck. Showing him the small things around, the things that hadn’t changed, the things that were still young although now, weary and grey. Their favourite ice-cream place was still standing, albeit a shadow of it’s younger glory. Richie’s old house was still there, the lawn trimmed to a neat plot of land, a couple of new swings set up for the children now continuing to lead their lives here as if nothing could ever go wrong.  
For a moment Richie could swear he saw soft brown curls in the sun, taunting him at the outskirts of the once cherished woods. But then he blinked, and there was nothing. Mike showed him around with a light tone and laughter stuck in his eyes.  
He didn’t understand.

Bill had come into his room one afternoon, sitting down beside him, giving him a light clap on the shoulder. “You did good”, he had said, his eyes glazed and distant, as if thinking of a not so far-off future instead of actually being in the room with Richie. “It is finally over now, and we can all return back to our lives”. Little did he know, that as he kept on speaking of his life and bright new beginning, Richie couldn’t stop thinking a single thought instead. He had nothing to return to. For him there would be no bright new beginning. He let a single tear fall down unnoticed and pretended to listen to Bill’s cheerful anecdotes.  
He didn’t understand.

Ben came the closest. Ben had come outside while Richie was having a smoke out on a balcony, silently coming to stand beside him, looking out over the tranquil forest beneath them. “I can see that you are hurting”, he had said. “More than the rest of us”. “I won’t pretend to know entirely how you feel. But I can offer you support and a hug, if you’d like”.  
Richie had accepted the hug in silence, his heart and soul shattering into pieces at the familiar contact. Wishing it was someone other than Ben, yet also grateful that it was Ben, there to catch him if he fell.  
“It will get better”, he had said then, and Richie was suddenly shrouded in grief and heartache at that moment. Like a thick veil shielding him from the outside world, yet also enclosing his heart with a chain and a lock, as if a promise that it would never feel again.  
He didn’t understand either.

Richie had taken himself to the old bridge, the one once connected to a string of bad memories and regrets, but also a feeling of nervous bubbles slowly rising in his stomach. But now he could feel nothing except sorrow over what once was, and what perhaps could have been as he looked at the wooden railing, now murky and old. And there in the middle he found it, a crooked R + E, still there after all these years as it should. Cause after all, nothing had really changed in the end, had it? He had bent down and recarved the letters, slowly, carefully as to not disturb the waking memories of a much younger boy, a boy with bright eyes that still held hopes for the future. Oh how he wished that he could see this boy, and the other, who often accompanied him. Just to tell them to make a better future for themselves. Just to tell them that it would be alright. But perhaps it was he, who needed someone to tell him those same words instead.  
A small weary smile found itself on his lips, for he found so many cherished memories with these old letters. But nevertheless, a tear slowly found it's way down his cheek, for the memories of brighter and grander days were simply just that. Memories.

They had stayed together in Derry for four days after the events with the damned clown. Just to make sure that everything was truly alright.  
Nothing at all out of the ordinary happened during these days, life seemed to continue flowing along like the endless river it was, kids going to school and parents going to work as if nothing had changed. It made Richie feel old and exhausted. But the others seemed satisfied.

On the day they were leaving, they all gathered once more, in a parking lot, to say their goodbyes and give praise to one another, that they had survived another day.

“So this is what’s left of the losers club”, Mike had said. He meant for it to be a good reminder to their young glory days, the time where they were wild and free and still looking ahead with their chins held high. And perhaps that was still true for the rest of them, Richie thought to himself.

“You all better keep in touch with us this time, or we will come find you ourselves”, Beverly had commented, a relaxed smile dancing on her lips, her eyes holding the beginning of a joke. She and Ben had decided to go off together, for Beverly had nothing and no one waiting for her in her past. She had finally decided to take control and create her own future. Richie wanted to say that he was happy for her, and perhaps he could have been under different circumstances. But as it was, his heart was nothing but an endless hole, a deep pit full of darkness, and there was no room for any of his feelings, no matter how much he tried to push them in there.

“Will you all be alright now?” Ben asked, a generic question clearly directed to all of them, except he was looking directly at Richie. The others didn’t seem to notice, and each of them nodded and hummed, dreaming of what their near futures might hold. A warm bath. A reunion with a spouse or family member. A favourite meal. All Richie could manage was a slight smile and a nod towards Ben, before his eyes once more drifted toward the concrete ground. Finally they all hugged tightly once more, and bid their adieus. And then he was on his way, alone in a car, driving towards the bleak and cruel future that was to become his reality.

1988

“You asshole!” Eddie screamed at Richie, who a had just cut him off with his bike, causing him to swerve and almost crash into a parked car on the side of the road. Richie could nothing but laugh at Eddie's completely justified, yet excessive anger.  
“Gotta be faster next time spaghetti man!” he shouted back with a smile, feeling a strange sort of contentment rise through his body and settle in his chest as he heard Eddie’s incomprehensible screeches from behind.  
He slowed his bike and pulled toward the sidewalk, swinging his leg over to park it in front of the “21 flavor ice-cream parlor”.  
Eddie pulled up a few moments later, still flushed red both from the wind and the annoyment of Richie’s continuing antics.  
“You could have killed me you ass! And how would that feel, huh? knowing that you killed someone because you just couldn’t keep yourself from taking a prank too far! How would you feel about that Richie! How would you feel!” Eddie kept ranting, fast as ever, as they both walked through the doors, a small bell ringing above. But his words held no bite today. And so Richie felt safe in himself once again.  
“You’d get a few scrapes at most Eds, quit being so dramatic”, he said as he came to look at the 21 flavors of ice-cream, deciding between familiar or adventurous.  
Few people were in the shop, most being away at summer vacation, or working.  
“I told you, don’t call me that”. Eddie muttered. But he too went to look at flavors, and with that, his ranting was ended for now.  
He scrunched his eyes together while reading the labels, squatting with his hands on his knees as if he was already an old man, only appearing as the young boy with sunkissed skin that was Eddie Kaspbrak for the fun of it. Richie loved this version of him. The version of Eddie that forgot to care about what everyone else thought of him. The version of him that got lost in the moment instead of thinking about the looming consequences. It was one of the truest Eddies there was, Richie thought to himself, forgetting to decide a flavor and instead getting lost in the constellations of Eddie’s sunny freckles.

It was just the two of them for the day. The other losers had come up with compelling excuses as to why they could not go eat ice-cream with them. The excuses were most likely true, but Richie and Eddie still had a bit of fun joking about them ditching their asses for even weirder and unlikelier reasons than the original ones.  
They had taken their ice-cream and sat down in the park across the street, underneath a secluded tree where no one else came around and they could speak freely.  
“What do you think you’ll do when you grow up?” Richie had asked absentmindedly, not really meaning anything but daydreams and curiosity to the question.  
“Huh, I guess I never really thought about it before. Maybe I could be a doctor of some sort? Except humans are gross, so maybe not”, Eddie had remarked, sitting carefree on the grass, leaning on his hands behind him. The sun was shining through the canopy above, leaving speckles of warm light dancing across his skin. His hair ruffled slightly in the soft summer breeze, and he made no attempt at putting it back into place. Richie liked this serene look on Eddie. It was such a contrast from his usual hectic exterior.  
“Maybe you could find work as a hospital patient instead, I think you’d be great at that”.  
Richie felt it as the words left his lousy trashmouth. He hadn’t been able to stop them, once again speaking before he had time to think. He had taken the joke a step too far this time, he could feel it. He felt scared to open his eyes from where he was laying down beside Eddie, but he knew he would feel his wrath eventually whether or not he wanted to.  
But as he opened his eyes slowly, preparing for the worst, he was surprised. For Eddie, this soft and bright boy beside him, was laughing. He was laughing at Richie’s joke, and Richie felt laughter bubble up through his throat as well, not being able to stop it. From where he was laying, he could see the delicate dimples in Eddie’s cheeks, the wrinkles forming around his eyes. He could see the way he instinctively brought his hands to his face in an attempt to dull the bubbly laughter, a result of a strict upbringing Richie could recognize himself in as well. He wished Eddie wouldn't protect his smile so closely, for it was such a wondrous thing, his smile. And Richie wished to protect it and preserve it forever.   
And then boom.  
He realized.  
And he thought.  
He would do anything to keep this gentle boy, this sunshine in his otherwise dreary life, this happy and content and safe always.  
He was in love with Eddie Kaspbrak.   
Fuck.

1991

Eddie was being uncharacteristically quiet today. Richie made up for it by being extra loud. Except it wasn’t really any fun without Eddie there to respond to his quips and shenanigans. None of the other loser really seemed to notice though, they simply took Richie’s provoking manner as “Richie being Richie”.  
They had all been walking through the woods towards their unofficial clubhouse, discussing some event that was to take place sometime next month. Richie hadn’t really been paying attention. No, his eyes were on Eddie, walking by himself in the middle of the group, eyes downcast, arms swinging by his sides. There was something off about him today, but Richie couldn’t quite figure out precisely what it was.  
“Richie, do you think your parents will let you out of the house if we were to have a movie-night in two weeks?” Stan’s voice abruptly cut through his hazy thoughts, ripping him back into the moment. He snapped his eyes to Stan and remembered that normal humans usually answered questions asked to them, even though he wasn’t entirely sure what the question had been.  
“Uh, yeah, sure”, he managed to get out, hoping it wasn’t too far from the answer expected of him. It seemed to do the job.  
“How about you then Eddie?” Stan said. Eddie didn’t even lift his eyes from the ground, Richie noticed. But he answered nonetheless.  
“Yeah, probably”.  
The rest of the conversation between the others faded back into a soft hum once more.

The conversation continued once they were down in their very own hole in the ground, whatever it was they were planning starting to get written down onto paper to be remembered and thought-through. Eddie, Richie remarked, drew back by himself, settling down into their common hammock. Richie suddenly recalled a moment resembling this a few years past, except then their roles had been the opposite. He decided to try and cheer Eddie up, for he did not like seeing the usually so lively boy so muted.  
“‘Hey Eddie spaghetti, how’s it hanging?” his tone was upbeat, but he intentionally kept his voice down for them to have a somewhat private moment the others wouldn’t interfere in. He noticed that Eddie’s eyes were somewhat glazed over, like he was lost in thought, or perhaps simply lost entirely.  
“I don’t feel like arguing with you right now Richie”.  
He was surprised at the phrase, and by the fact that Eddie’s tone held not anger, but rather a sort of weary melancholy he couldn’t quite pin down. Sitting down on his knees beside the hammock, putting his arms and head inside the hammock, Richie felt the need to smooth over Eddie’s cold response.  
“Hey! I didn’t come here to argue with you!”  
Eddie glanced down at him at that, somewhat sceptically.  
“No? Then why are you here?”  
“I came to see if you were alright dude. You’ve been really quiet all day, and frankly, i just don’t like seeing you like this!”  
at this Eddie’s face actually softened. he dropped the comic he was holding into his lap, and he seemed to almost.. Hold his breath.  
“I just.. Have a lot going on right now. At home and stuff. Thanks for noticing though.”  
Richie felt a sort of sadness wash over him. He should have known. Whenever Eddie was in a bad mood, it was usually because of his mom in one way or another. The words thanks for noticing kept playing in his mind as well, because of course he noticed. Although, he realized, he was the only one who seemed to do so.  
“Hey if you ever wanna talk about anything, I’m here for you. But in the meantime, know that your input in my escapades are sorely missed.”  
Eddie seemed slightly revived. His eyes regained at least a bit of their usual bright spark, and his skin seemed to flush with rejuvenation, making his slight freckles stand out spectacularly. Before Eddie had really the chance to answer, Richie flashed a smile so bright only he could manage it, ruffled his hair ever so slightly because he knew it would annoy him, and stood up to go annoy the other losers as well, voice loud and overly cheery.

Had he cast a single glance behind him, he might have caught the enamored look playing on Eddie’s face, softening his features even more, affection in his eyes and disbelief on his tongue.  
He might have caught the fact that Eddie didn’t even make an attempt to correct the disturbance done to his hair by Richie’s hands.  
Had he just glanced ever so slightly, he might have caught the fact, that Eddie Kaspbrak, was head over heels in love with him as well.

2016

Exactly one month had gone by since the dreaded day. Darkness still clung to Richie like a nightmare holding him imprisoned in his own body. He had barely managed to leave his bed since he got back. His manager had called a hundred times over, but he had not the energy to answer. He imagined he was probably very much fired from his job. He couldn’t bring himself to care.

He saw on social medias that his friends seemed to be doing well in their new lives. Mike was out on his new adventure, just finding out what the world held, and what life could be. Bill was back on his job as a director, seemingly being the new big star of the movie industry. Ben and Beverly had gotten a dog, and were currently on a circumnavigation across the globe, living their own happily ever after.  
Richie was glad for all of them. But he was also bitter that he didn’t get his happily ever after.

He was tired.

He had tried writing a letter, as he had heard it helped with grief, and letting things go. It hadn’t made him feel any better. But it was the closest he had ever gotten to being true and open as himself, sad as that was. Without his neverending trashmouth there to shield him. He had kept the letter by his bedside. It was addressed to Eddie.

Eddie my love.  
I miss you so.  
Every day that passes gets harder.  
It isn't fair that you were taken so early.  
I keep seeing everyone around me living their happy endings, and I can only imagine what we could have had, Eddie.  
If only I’d had the courage to tell you.  
But I was scared Eddie. I still am.  
I know that that’s not really an excuse, because you went through your whole life being scared, and you still managed to get through it all.  
You are the bravest man I have ever known Eddie, and I wish I had just a bit of your strength right now.  
But I miss you so much.  
I just keep thinking, that if we were young again, maybe we could have done things differently.  
But it is as it is I suppose.  
maybe we weren’t meant to be in this life Eddie.  
But I am certain we will meet again.  
Eddie my love.

He took one last long look at the letter, breathing in as if to steady himself, and then he let it burn. He would keep it in his heart.  
He had four other letters written as well, all prepared with names and addresses on his bed. They were not so mournful, but nonetheless just as intimate and personal.  
He could feel exhaustion washing over his body like waves, dragging him down with them, almost pulling him under.  
He was so tired.  
And he felt he was done.  
And so he closed his eyes.  
And then he felt nothing at all.

A warm, soft wind cradled his cheek, and he could feel sharp blades of grass prickling the bare skin on his arms, his legs, getting tousled in his hair. His body felt light, and full of newfound energy, and his head felt clear as if it had suddenly been freed of a heavy burden, or thought.  
He opened his eyes and was greeted with gentle sunlight thawing his cold bones, making everything look muted and mellow, the trees he found around him giant but compassionate. From a distance, he could hear a tender voice calling out. It was his name, he realized.

Richie.

He sat up slowly and looked around, compelled to find the source of the sound, an urge telling him it was important as life.  
Then, between two trees, a boy no more than 17 appeared, clad in a soft pastel polo shirt, his soft hair gleaming in the sun.

Eddie.

Richie smiled. He remembered Eddie. His other memories were fuzzy but he remembered Eddie. He was the boy who once had an asthma attack because they found a gross dead frog to poke when they were young. He was the boy who had taken Richie’s homework to him when he was sick, but still refused to step over the threshold of his house in case he would catch the sickness as well. He was the boy who no matter what always answered to Richie’s bickering, because they both needed it, they both needed to get it out of their system and they both knew each other well enough to know when it was fun and when it was taken a step too far.

“Eddie my love, where did you go?”  
Eddie walked slowly up to him, sitting down and reaching out when he got close enough to gently hold his cheek, his other hand going to rest on his waist.  
“I was looking for you, Richie. I think you fell asleep”.  
Ah, that must have been it. He fell asleep in the grass and had a bad dream.  
“Well how lucky you found me, Eds. Reunited once more”, he grinned.  
Richie suddenly felt something wash over him, a veil of heartache and yearning that left a bitter taste in his mouth. He shuddered at the strange yet somehow familiar feeling. He pulled Eddie close to him in a hug, and he could feel the easy and comforting smell of laundry detergent and his particular brand of shampoo. Eddie was soft and sunkissed and warm, and he felt like home to Richie, a strange feeling he realized, that he hadn’t felt in quite a while. He held him close for a moment, and Eddie didn’t seem to mind.  
They were two odd boys, those two, with strange intertwining backgrounds. They had known grief and longing, but none of that was for them anymore.

Now they had found a home in each other, at last.


End file.
